If a psychiatrist had read my blogs over the past few days, I guess it would have been quite easy to see that after being silent for ten years, to download so many intimate thoughts over a couple of days would be heading for a fall, and my goodness did I trip, to a very dark cavernous place unable to associate any reason with recent events.
Yesterday, saw me still juggling fiction with reality until, best friend number 1 sited “Ali, stop, it’s not fine, you are not fine and actually it”s OK not to be perfect”. Following was a full admission of my condition, my finances, my current work prospects and my failed relationship … I broke and crumbled as I admitted that I needed help.
Being born of a very humble background, working my way through the ranks to a position of respect on the management team of a global enterprise, had been an important achievement for me. But not one I could maintain over the years as my condition developed. And too proud to admit that the strain of often a 3+ hour drive, even before arriving at my desk to start my working day was wearing me down, I left whilst on top with not much thought about what would I next. In reality, working for myself with considered success was followed by a devastating blow entirely out of my control, and since it has been easier developing other sectors rather than fighting for senior executive positions against those fully fit.
Also managing daily life as a single mum, albeit with tremendous family support has not aided the journey and I can safely say my life has not turned out quite as I had hoped or expected ! My mantra over the years to live in a perfectly polished home, working in a perfectly polished role, entertaining to perfectly polished standards and always being perfectly polished hostess from head to toe at all times, to accomplish the title of perfect polished partner for my “perfect” man has finally broken the soul of a well liked, fun loving, witty and vivacious, albeit sometimes dizzy blonde. But, as I sat being spoken to by the most understanding of support staff at Frimley Park Hospital it was poignant to note that the only person by my side was best friend number 1 who certainly saw me now not as Miss Perfect, and as I know now, hasn’t done for many years.
Stronger today and having received instant relief followed by intravenous antibiotics, for deep tissue infection which was somewhat being masked by my usual daily pain, I realised that corporate life and my strives to being everything I thought I had to be, is not as important as it once was. And serving non-profit sectors promoting better choices for those with either a physical or mental health condition in the workplace is where I will regain my strength, recharge my batteries and with the same effort, figure and passion as from my previous life, focus my abundance of energy and love of life.
I have years of Management expertise to offer and a wealth of relevant skill sets over many disciplines and I know that from the hundreds of contacts befriended over two decades I can make a difference. But, what I would say to those in enterprise organisations, businesses or those who touch our lives personally is that, please remember that love, hope and security are powerful words which often the vulnerable cling onto, so whether it’s offering a job contract, or asking someone on a first date, please before embarking, make sure that you have no doubt that you too have either the commercial resource or inner strength to not only enjoy and cherish the sunny days but also when the rain clouds pass over. With promise there is an expectancy that you will complete the journey. To the man until recently in my life, thank you for sharing with me so many experiences and for so many happy times and as I wish you health, happiness and continued wealth … please understand that no-one is perfect, especially me.